I haven't written here in a while...

After graduating - I was lost, lonely, I was gutted and I'd lost any inspiration or the want to do any work after having dissapointed myself. I just couldn't see the point.

But the last two weeks - even though not everything has fallen into place yet - I've felt great. Things have been good and I've actually been happy. Happy in a way I never thought was possible.

Somehow it has just crept up on me. Everytime I tried so hard to sort myself and my life out - I failed. But I have just realised how much things have changed and how far I have actually come. How much of a different person I am - and I hope that's for the better.

I thought that was it - naive maybe. But I thought from now on everything would be good. That it couldn't touch me anymore. Dumb I know - but the last two days I've felt really low. Maybe not as bad as I once was - but I hadn't expected it.

I know I will still have hard times - I didn't expect it to always be easy - but I also didn't expect to feel as low as this - for no reason at all. I thought I had gotten past that. But maybe I was just fooling myself.

Either way - I will take it as it comes and hope that this will soon pass and that I will be back to my new self, my new way of life.

*fingers tightly crossed*

i am.
i really am.
i can't be anything less.

then why does it hurt?
why do i feel so lost?
so lonely?

i *need* some friends.
sounds lame.
i am lame.
but it's true.

why am i saying this?
i wish i would shut up moaning..
ignore it all.

i am fine.
really i am.

dunno why i dont just check my emails and then turn the computer off straight away.
even checking emails - upsets me -
dumb dumb dumb


i said i didnt think he knew much to say to me anymore:

- "i dont know. i guess after all that happened and so much time apart, i just don't feel that connection i have with some people where i can talk about random stuff an not worry about them thinking im weird" -

i don't think your wierd
i don't want that connection either
i'd *never* expect that
just would be nice if *somebody* would speak to me from time to time, or atleast sound like they want to talk to me when they attempt to reply.

ahh lame excuses.
i give up

i keep having dreams of the old school gang.
but not back then - as though we are now, how we were then. it's strange - because things havent been like that for an age. the last couple of years at school - i wasnt close to anyone. i drifted away from them all and was pretty much on my own.

and the dreams bring out things that messed it all up.
i hate them - the dreams.
ive been trying to get rid of things - to help me forget - but the dreams won't let me.

how do i make them stop.

aggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

i just need to scream!!
why do things have to feel so bleak?

you always just assume that life will progress,
that you won't have to think about the future too much because it will just happen, and life will lead you to places, take you with it.

But now everything seems soo far out of reach,
so difficult,
impossible??

- it's all shattered.

life is slipping away from me...

...all my hopes...

...trickling through my fingers....

- i give up
-it's all gonna be gone soon

never let go,
stay like this forever,
freeze this moment in time...
our moment

never leave my heart,
never leave my mind,
never become just another memory.



i know, i know - i'm mad, i'm crazy - i'm so bloody stupid for throwing away the best thing in my life...

... i wish it could just be...

damn - im bored here already.
i always forget that i have no friends left here.

all ive been doing is tidying....
all day everyday (well minus one day)

stuck in the house -
bored
hate it
bleugh

i keep saying 'no' to life....
all the time...

everything people ask me,
if i want to go somewhere,
if i want to do something...
i always say no...

i make up excuses,
say im not feeling well,
not feeling up to it...
not feeling like being sociable (which is kinda true alot of the time)

But i feel like im missing out on everything..

this is my last year to have fun,
to go out and enjoy myself

and im wasting it away alone in my room....

i dont really have a right to be complaining, coz its my own fault...
im the the one saying no...
im the one makign myself miss out...

and then after when they talk about it,
why do i feel hurt?
why do i feel jealous??
why do i feel left out??

its my own doing..

and now becuase i say no all the time,
they stop asking me
and it hurts more...

pain i am causing myself.
pain i deserve

but now i am getting used to this,
it is hard to be any different...

they asked me last week,
and i made myself go,
made myself make the effort,
but it was too hard,
too difficult...
i didnt stay v long...

i just cant do it anymore



- and i wish i would shut up moaning....
its so damn boring,
self pitying morbid freak...
thats me

what if i have just made the biggest mistake of my life??

i dont know how to deal with this depression anymore.
i've had enough of it, and i'm sure everyone else has too...
its too draining, i know that...

i'm sorry

Bbbrrrr it's cold...

Well I have been helping out a canadian artist who has come here to do a preformance, so i've been walking round nottingham with her while she picks up CCTV signals, which is actually alot more exciting then i make it sound.
Was so terrified thinking i wouldnt know what to say to her or anything, or that i'd be rubbish and wouldnt be able to do anything right... but soo far it's not been tooo bad...

Well except that she has to do most of the talking, coz while, im trying so hard, and am slowly getting better at social situations.... i'm not quite there yet. And it is actually starting to become really hard work again :-s which makes me think i'm getting worse at it again.



I've been thinking about how I need to start applying for jobs in the real world now (what the hell/?? i dont know what i want to do!!). I'll be graduating soon enugh and then that will be it. But i'm scared. Especailly when my tutor said..

"I think its funny when you lot refer to it as the 'real world'. This is it right now, you're in it- THIS IS AS REAL AS IT GETS!"

I prefer to contuine thinking i'm not yet in it.


I need to start making desions, about where im going to live, what i'm going to do... am i going to stay in nottingham? BUT I HATE MAKING DESSIONS...it's what i've avoided doing my whole life, and now this is it.... i have to...

Has anyone got anywhere I can escape to for a little while first??
Please???

everything has changed...
im sooo confussed...

when did this happen??

LJ now confusses me

well i spent the whole weekend in my pj's, mainly in my room too.
had a bit of a run in with one of my housemates..
i'd just had enough of all the little things she does that get to me, so kinda got upset about something small...
obviously she thought i over reacted.
so i just went to my room and cried and cut....

everything has just been getting to me, and i cant quite explain it, or why.

this morning i was getting ready, and i opened my draw and took out a tin, in which i keep the anti-depressents i have left from last time i was on them. ive been off them for about 7-8 months...but i dunno why, i just decided to take some...
more then i should have...

ive been feeling really dizzy all day...
but i have no excuse,
its my fault...

i just dont quite know wat to do with myself anymore.
i dont know how to feel,
how to act...

i mean when i talk,
and i hear myself, i just wish i would shut up,
i wish words would just stop coming out of my mouth,
coz theres just no point in what i say

suppose im just feeling really lost right now
:(

:(
had enough of it all...
i'm too tired to keep this up...

but i have to..
and i know i will

just sometimes i wish i could just STOP
and not worry about the consequences, or what people think, or whether or not it's the right thing to do...

right now i just dont care!
but i lie...
i do care,
coz that's what's stopping me...
consequences...
life,
what's right
blah blah blah
etc....



not that it matters
but...

(i'm hurting)

:S

i feel lost...
i feel like im losing my faith

ive been sooo far from God for too long,
and i dont know how to get that back,

i don't know how to get the closeness...
im envious of other people who i can see are sooo close,

i want that
and i knwo it has to be me who makes it happen...
but its hard,

even when i try so hard,

i prob sound stupid....but i dont care

just want to rip this feeling out
this thing inside me,
growing, burning, polluting, poisoning me,
my every thought,

i need to take a hold,
grab it,
remove it,
destroy it,

but i never can,
i fear it,
in many ways,
in some ways im used to it,
i think i prehaps would miss it,
but even so,
i cannot bring myself to do it,
to take the step,
to stand up to it,

instead i let it rule me,
i obey it,
live by it,
i have no choice

do i?

sometimes im reminded of how i have alomst no friends here
:(

i prefer to lie to myself and ignore that fact.

we were talking about something...
i dont know what,

and she said -'so those marks on youre wrists, have they gone, are they faded now?'

i just said i dont wqant to talk abour it.
she said - just answer please, have they faded?
me- yeah
her- and are they old?
me- yeah

chnaged the subject


..... i lied :(

just be happy....
...why can i not be

i should be satisfied.

the first night back and i was in tears
...why?

shouldnt be that way


...dont understand me...
want to break out...
want to sit and wither away...
disapear,
turn to dust
blown away in the wind

gone forever
..i want to be..